Continuing

I have been absent. I have continued on this...journey. I was about to say this grief journey but it is much more than that. When you experience greif it is not something you walk through and then out of. No. It is something you walk with, every day. So I will start again.

Though it may look like I have been absent (at least online), I ensure you I have continued to walk through life with grief as my companion. Maybe that sounds sad. Maybe that causes you to pause and be concerned for my wellbeing. Don't be. Grief is not depression. Grief is not damning sadness. (Though it can has parts of such) Mayo Clinic simply defines grief as "a person's natural reaction to loss." It is not limited to only certain reactions. Often my grief does look dark and sad, but more often it looks like joyful remembering and cherished story tellings. I laugh when Silas asks "why mom?" and I resort to what the response I used to roll my eyes at, "Because I said so buddy." after I gave many other responses already that he was not pleased with. In that moment my annoyance is transformed into light hearted reflection as I hear Mom's voice and not my own. That is a part of Grief and I promise I am continuing on. (In case you didn't get that Nana, I am doing well-haha)

A toddlers wide range of emotions is much like the range of things felt through grief (did that count enough to get these cute pics in here?)

I have actually had several people reach out to me about how they have been touched through AIL and inquiring when more will come. This is beyond my own belief and very humbling, but proves the point that your experience doesn't have to be mine in order for the Lord to use it for something bigger than yourself. Still, I felt the need to respond not just to those people directly but to all of our AIL community. I have continued, though I have not shared, or turned out "content." Being honest some of the things I have walked through in the last months have been more difficult and more complex than any before it. The loss of my mom was not only my loss. It was the loss of her (and all she was) from this earth. It was her being taken from the system and dynamics of not only my own life, but the many other people who were/are a part of that same system.

As such, this journey involves other "parts" than just myself. Many aspects of how we (those dynamics and systems) now function and what we look like are out of my control. They are impacted by choices that are not always my own, still I remain affected. This isn't a new concept. No, this is how all human relationships and structures function. It is however, now lacking a part of the system that was once essential. The essential (mom) was a part that, based on years of history, gave myself and many other's certain expectations and "norms". So while it is not a new concept- it is a very different design as the parts have changed or taken new form. That means unlearning, adjusting, and rebuilding must occur for the system to continue to function at all.

That is where I am at. I am quietly unlearning expectations I once had (often grieving the loss of those individually). I am adjusting to a new makeup and system and that is not always done with ease. This adjusting...it causes pulling and stretching which can create aches and sores. I am still here. I aim next to rebuild, but I know I am not yet solid enough to withstand the weight of things to come. I am flimsy and tired during my unlearning and adjustments. I am not yet strong enough to rebuild, though I hope to be one day. The catcher- this is all unseen work. I am forcing myself to examine hard truths. I am defining concepts I thought I inherently once knew, but turns out the meaning has changed to either myself or another. I am praying. A lot of prayer. I am longing for the "what if" and "if only" but remind myself the only way to move forward is to acknowledge my reality. I can't share all the details with you because I love and respect the other "parts" too much. What I can do is ensure you that this is a daily process; it has to be.

My heart remains open through it all, though not always by choice and rather the now broken nature of it... Broken but open, This allows for the joy, the happy, the love, but also the hurt and the inflictions. That is how I would describe my companion. This giref, it is the reflex (natural reaction) of my heart to break open at the absence of my Mother- to remain open- to experience and feel it all- sometimes you can see it- other times it is hidden-nonetheless it is real, complex, and CONTINUING.